Reach Out. Ask.

Warning: word vomit. I was going to combine it with my appointment but I wanted to get this all out there first and it’s long enough. You can wait till tomorrow. sorrynotsorry. This is my FreEDom for the week.

freedom Reach Out. Ask.

I’m going to share something that has been a big struggle for me recently. I wasn’t sure if I should go into this much detail, but it helps get the point across. It’s not pretty, but it’s the truth, and I’m not going to sugar coat things to make me seem cooler or better than I am. I’m not perfect.

I haven’t talked about this much (if any) on the blog. Why? Because I was embarrassed. Occasionally I would briefly allude to “overdoing it” on certain foods but I never really used the right word. Binging. Yes, I fell in the trap that I swore I would never fall into. I will never forget my first appointment with my nutritionist when she said that there was a chance that after restricting for a long time, your body will often rebel and go in the opposite direction. I laughed. I thought it would never happen to me. I’m such a control freak, how could it?

 Reach Out. Ask.

But here’s the thing. My body did rebel. Two years later. Sure, I’m at a healthy, stable weight. I have been for quite some time now. How did I get to this weight (and maintain it), is the question. If I had stuck to the meal plans given to me by my doctors that I had “adjusted” to work for me, I would still be in recovery. I’m not. Why? Because I let myself eat. And eat and eat. Past the point of comfort at times. I was full of guilt and shame every time it happened. It wasn’t every day, but I would go in waves. To compensate for this behavior, I was running miles upon miles. Remember that day I ran a 14 miler? It was because I was mad at myself for eating a lot bingeing the night before.

What caused this erratic behavior, though? I wanted to stay thin. I liked the complements and remarks I got about how thin I was, skinny I was, pretty I was. I wasn’t comfortable with the gradual changes happening to my body from feeding myself properly. I stopped eating breakfast. I cut down my lunch. I ate a normal dinner, but at night, I’d be starving. I would eat everything I could find because my body needed food. 

 Reach Out. Ask.

It all began when I just kind of decided I was sick of the internal fight. It’s not the first time this cycle has happened. I become unhappy with my appearance, decide to step up the exercise and starve myself cut back on food, and then end up overdoing it binging later in the day. The weight has creeped on before from this cycle, and I would get comments like “you look so much healthier” causing those negative thoughts to worsen. It started happening again, I guess shortly after Thanksgiving (no surprise since that’s when the comments were really bad). I was in a pretty good place during cross country season, but once the holidays hit, it was over. Then the stress of finals and the lack of exercise post-season just added to the equation, and boom. I was miserable, and the cycle started again. When I came home for break, I decided I wanted to kick this problem once and for all.

 Reach Out. Ask.

waking up to this on my mirror every morning certainly helps

I told my mom I wanted to go back to my nutritionist to discuss healthier eating patterns (aka adding breakfast and snacks in during the day) and fueling properly for running to reach my optimal performance. This was only half true. I was embarrassed to tell her that I’m still struggling. It’s fine for me to sit and eat a bowl of ice cream after dinner and a couple cookies and look healthy, but that doesn’t change what’s going on inside. She thought I was totally fine, and I knew she wouldn’t understand. She thinks the problems I’m having are “normal,” that everyone feels like they overdo it sometimes. To some degree, yes, but not to the same extent that someone who has had an eating disorder experiences. She accepted my reasons for needing to go, though, and the appointment was made.

 Reach Out. Ask.

Then I mentioned to one of my two best friends from school that I was going to an appt. She has struggled with weight in the past (being over, not under) and definitely has some disordered eating patterns now. We’ve always talked about our issues with each other so  when I told her, she asked why I wanted to go and what I was getting help with, and I finally told her just how much I still struggle. But nobody knew about that white elephant, the not so pretty side of an eating disorder that comes after years of restricting. The loss of control. And as soon as I said it and had her unconditional love and support, I felt like a massive weight was lifted off of me. The difference was amazing. I’m so glad I’ve finally reached out. The support I’ve gotten in return is incredible.

I encourage each and every one of you to try it, whether it’s for an ED or some simple advice on running, work, or school.

 Reach Out. Ask.

This time, I mean it. I’m getting rid of the guilt and the hiding. I’m not perfect, nobody is. Those extra pounds don’t really matter in the grand scheme of things, and once I regulate my eating better, I’ll probably fall back to a place I’m more comfortable. And no, I haven’t weighed myself. I can tell based on the fit of my clothing. In the past, this would have spiraled into another cycle of starving myself and probably gaining it all back. I hated myself for losing the control I once had and there have been days where I wished I was still in my ED days. But that was my ED talking, not me. This time, I don’t want to just “lose weight” or be “skinny” again, I want to be normal.

 Reach Out. Ask.

 

That’s enough serious talk for today. Tomorrow I’ll do the recap of the actual appointment, but I felt like this was a necessary prelude to it so I could explain why I went to see her, since I never really talked about it before.

If you didn’t feel like reading this whole thing, just follow this advice: REACH OUT and ASK FOR HELP! You’re going to be so happy you did.

74 thoughts on “Reach Out. Ask.

  1. Chelsie S

    We’ve spoken about this for a few weeks now, and still EVERY SINGLE TIME I think about it, I’m BLOWN AWAY by just how much courage it took you to bring this issue out of the closet and to start speaking about it.
    The big problem is that binge eating and bulimia (whether the purging is via exercise or vomiting) can be achieved in such secrecy that they can continue for years and years of body damaging and inner shame because outwardly, it is possible to keep the body at a healthy and normal weight. Which just goes to show that the outside picture doesn’t always show what’s going on within. And to bring up a topic about which the person already holds so much shame takes unbelievable strength.
    But the embarrassment is momentary and concern and support will immediately follow. EDs and disordered eating patterns are laced with so much shame … they are mental disorders, biological compensation for abnormal thoughts and behaviours. You nailed it on the head — you just want to bring things towards normal. And by reaching out, asking and accepting help, and working your very hardest to change your thoughts and behaviours, I KNOW you will overcome this and go on to be the healthiest and strongest (mentally and physically) YOU that you can be. <3

    Reply
    1. pickyrunner

      You have given me that strength I needed to talk about it. After talking to you, I was able to approach others. I’m ready to be normal and I know that with you, other bloggers, family, and friends, I’ll get there. Thank you for being there, girl <3

      Reply
  2. jessielovestorun

    && because of this story and your honesty, you will continue to have all the support in the world that you need. I know it wasn’t easy too share, but you did & for that, I am so proud of you. You see the things in your life that you want to fix, and you show confidence that you WILL overcome any fears or guilt you may deal with from time to time. <3

    Reply
  3. molly @ heart, sole & cereal.

    thank you for posting this – it really is something so many of us are going through. i’m proud of you for being open and honest about it because i think sometimes people just settle into being “recovered” and don’t address how difficult it really is to be in that place. way to go girl!

    Reply
    1. pickyrunner

      Thanks! I know, I didn’t realize so many people were in the same exact position as me. It helps to know you’re not the only one which is why I finally decided to post it. Not only for me, but for everyone else struggling as well.

      Reply
  4. plateitnclimb

    Girl I can relate to this. I have had those point of “over doing it” and I know what you mean when you say people don’t see anything wrong. There is so much mental struggle with it though. I am going to be honest I was getting worried there with all of the exercise you were doing. Remember exercise is all good but even that in excess can lead to bad things. I am so proud of you for reaching out and asking for help. Especially for going to a professional because I know that that can be one of the toughest decisions to make. But they know their stuff and if you follow their advice you will be golden. Remember we all have struggles, it is our ability to overcome them that makes all the difference. I would say you are making great strides to overcome this obstacle.

    Reply
    1. pickyrunner

      Thank you thank you! My exercise right now actually has nothing to do with the cycle; it’s something that was put together by my coach which actually helps to regulate my eating, oddly enough, but when I’m in the off-season running 10+ miles at a time- that’s where things get a little questionable. Thanks for being there, it helps so much.

      Reply
  5. Megan Amraen (@megAMRUN)

    You are amazing for writing this. I know it’s difficult to admit that you struggle with this and it shows TREMENDOUS strength that you posted this. You are already on the upswing, and I know you’ll get through this. I’m here for you!

    Reply
  6. Greta

    Me too! Normal! For good!
    I wish that was easy. It’s not for me. I have better and worse days. I struggle with gaining weigh which I desperately need… I’m learning… first of all that being perfect is ok. And that the only person that cares about that is me.
    Thank you for this post.
    It spoke straight to my heart.
    I wish to hug you or to give you high five or just to smile and let you know – I understand… Keep walking ;)

    Reply
    1. pickyrunner

      You have been an inspiration for me reading how honest so many of your posts are. I’m so glad we are all there for each other. It’s amazing what reading about others can do. It doesn’t seem like much, but it is. I hope you’re able to finally feel like you’re reaching a turnaround point mentally. It finally clicked with me and I’m so happy it did.

      Reply
  7. Sam @ Better With Sprinkles

    I’m sorry you’re going through this Sarah! I know I don’t need to tell you how NORMAL it is for the pendulum to swing in the other direction during recovery. But there are few things comparable to reaching out for help, so i’m glad you’ve done that! It really is the best advice you can offer anyone, regardless of what they’re going through.

    Reply
    1. pickyrunner

      I actually didn’t realize how normal it was until recently. I thought I was one of the only ones who gave in. But I’m learning that I’m not and I love that. I agree, asking for help is advice that can be applied to just about anything and it’s something I don’t do enough of.

      Reply
  8. aftertheivyleague

    I struggled with binge eating for months after I was on a restrictive, calorie-counting diet. I totally understand how you must feel, and think it’s amazing and brave of you to be totally honest about what you’re going through. SO many women (and men too I imagine) have been there with you, and you talking about it will undoubtedly be a huge inspiration to all of them. You can get past this, you can get back to more normal eating, trust me! If I can do it, you can do it! I wrote a few posts on the topic that I’m not sure if you’ve read, but let me know if you want to and I can tell you more about what worked for me :)

    Reply
    1. pickyrunner

      Thanks girl. I haven’t seen them actually but I’d love to talk to you about it!! The more suggestions I have, the more I can figure out what works for me. So far it seems that I’m on a pretty good track but the more advice I have, the better :)

      Reply
      1. aftertheivyleague

        The number 1 thing that helped me more than anything was to stop thinking about food so much. It was absurd the amount of time and energy I spent thinking about it! I think having a beyond crazy busy schedule helped this fall because I literally couldn’t spend so much time thinking about it since I had so much else to do.

        Reply
  9. Avery @ Southern Belle Living Well

    Friend, I can relate. I’ve never struggled with an ED, but during my weight loss process, especially at the beginning when I was a bit less educated, I thought that 1lb a week sounded like SUCH a low number, and so I’d restrict to exactly 1200 calories to lose a bit faster. However, on the weekends, when my parents would go out to eat, I’d do some baking for “fun” and the “family”, when really, I just kept eating pieces and pieces of dough. I didn’t understand why I wouldn’t lose weight, and it took me a while to realize that I needed to up my calories during the day so that I wouldn’t be starving by the time I was wanting to bake something.

    Reply
    1. pickyrunner

      This is exactly what my problem was. I wasn’t comfortable with the weight I was gaining so decided I wanted to get to a place I was happier with. I’d restrict all day long with a very limited “plan” and it simply wasn’t enough. That plan backfired on me and I’m realizing that I won’t be tempted to eat a box of oreos if I’ve properly fed myself all day.

      Reply
  10. Alex @ therunwithin

    hey sarah, so I don’t know if you read my blog when I discussed more about my disorder but I struggled with the exact same thing. I wish I could say I don’t have the urges anymore but I still have the urges but luckily have found ways to counteract them. working with a nutritionist really helped me, it is all about giving your body what it wants when it wants it – denying only worsens the cycle. I hope you email me but way to go on opening up. once I told people about my struggles, it helped me wrap my mind around I don’t need to feel guilty.

    Reply
    1. pickyrunner

      We just talked about this via emails but I haven’t. Thank you SO much for reaching out. Working with my nutritionist has already had a huge impact on me (actually, even just making the appointment helped) and since then I have really felt differently about the entire thing.

      Reply
  11. myhighonlife

    Love your courage and honesty shining through this post. Never had an ED but I do have disordered thoughts regarding how I always need to purge (by over exercising) after I binge.. like this weekend for example. My entire body is drained of energy and I am exhausted from putting myself through the ringer but mentally I feel better about it. None of my friends/family/boyfriend understand the thoughts that go through my head so it’s nice to have a forum via healthy living blogs to discuss these matters.

    You are an inspiration to so many and I’m so glad you went to talk to your RD about what you needed to!

    Reply
    1. pickyrunner

      I agree- it’s really hard when family and friends can’t exactly relate to what you’re going through. I’m glad you’ve found the HLB to help you as well. It’s made a huge impact on my life. Thank you so much <3

      Reply
  12. carlyjg

    Thanks for being so open and honest! I think you’d be surprised how many women (and maybe men?) go through cycles like that. It’s the body’s way of screaming out, “FEED ME!” With your desire to get better, you will find success. Keep your head up, and keep working at it! Things will start to change soon.

    Reply
    1. pickyrunner

      Thank you!! I never realized it, I guess. I figured it was an entirely different disorder and never saw myself as the “type” for it to happen to. But I’m learning that there is no type. And I can get better; it already has.

      Reply
  13. Abby

    Sarah, I really love that you decided to share this.
    I feel like there’s such a taboo on binging. Everyone can talk about their eating disorder because it caused them to be thin and the destruction of ED’s are mostly understood by society. Well binging is destructive too, but it’s not as glamorized if that makes sense. (I have to add that I by no means think an eating disorder is good, and I do not mean to come across as if I’m not taking them seriously)
    But girls (especially in high school) like the idea of eating less, of needing less food, staying thin. There are sooo many times that I’ll hear a girl say “oh, no I so don’t need that” or “I’m just not hungry, my body doesn’t need that much food” I once even heard a girl bragging about how she had vanilla for breakfast. Yes, vanilla extract. Whaaaa?
    Binging is different though.. No one envies someone who can eat large amounts of food due to their emotions. Nobody wishes they were in a binger’s shoes. I’ve been there though Sarah. I call them “mini-binges” in my food story, but nevertheless, it’s emotion fueled eating. And it’s so not fun.
    What’s important though, is that you’re getting help for it. It’s not supposed to be easy, but sometimes a little guidance is all you need to be better off in the long run. Just know that you’re so not alone in this, and props to you for being honest and sharing such a hard experience.
    I thought you might like this quote on binging that is comforting to me. Also, if you have not read Geneen Roth’s books, I strongly encourage that you do. They turned my food-life around. :)

    “Binging is a descent into a world where every restriction you have placed on yourself is cut loose….At its core is a feeling of deprivation, scarcity, and a feeling you can never get enough.
    Binges do not signify a lack of willpower or inability to care for yourself. On the contrary, binges can be a urgent attempt to care for yourself when you feel uncared for. They are the voice of survival.
    Binges are the mark of the self that says, ‘I am tired of feeling deprived, of being told I am wrong, that I am bad. I am tired of constant restrictions. Go to hell’……”
    -Geneen Roth

    This is SUPER lengthy, but it had to be said :) Have a great Tuesday, hun.

    Reply
    1. pickyrunner

      Thank you SO much, girl. I don’t think you’re discounting EDs at all. You’re describing the way society views them. I totally agree. We almost glorify anorexia but bulimia? God forbid you admit to that. And what I have been struggling with is a form of bulimia. Exercise bulimia. I can’t say it’s a full blown ED at this point, but it’s definitely something that happens every once in awhile. Mini-binges are probably the best way to describe them, too. Oh, a box of cheerios? Don’t mind if I do. It’s that need to satisfy something much deeper than food and it’s scary. I’m really glad I did this post. I was so hesitant and almost embarrassed when I woke up this morning knowing people would have already read it but it was a big step. And every step is one step further from the past I want to rid myself of. Thank you <3

      Reply
      1. thehomeostaticmindset

        WOW. I totally agree that we glorify anorexia, but other ED’s? Nadda. Unless your ED is purely restrictive, it doesn’t seem to be as big of a deal? Unfortunately (and embarrassingly), I can fall into this mindset myself. Thank you, Sarah <3

        Reply
  14. Amanda @ .running with spoons.

    It takes an amazing amount of courage and strength to be able to open up about your struggles, and I hope you realize how strong and inspirational you really are, Sarah. More importantly, I hope you’re not beating yourself up over what your body is going through, because even though you might feel like you’re losing control by giving in, the reality of it is that by doing so you’re actually gaining control by taking it away from your disordered mindset. It’s so great that you reached out for guidance, and I can’t wait to hear more about how your appointment went.

    Reply
    1. pickyrunner

      Thank you! I’m definitely getting to the point where I can move away from this mindset. It isn’t a frequent thing that occurs, but it needed to be said. At first I definitely felt upset about losing control over my eating, but now that I’ve heard from so many people, I’m learning that it’s a natural bodily response and part of the recovery process. Thank you for being there!

      Reply
  15. Sky @ The Blonde In Black

    Huge props to you to having the courage to post something so vulnerable and honest. Thank you for doing this though. I struggle with this too. It just comes every now and then, but when the desire hits me it’s intense. This was very encouraging and supportive to read :)

    Reply
  16. thehomeostaticmindset

    This post is pure bravery. I’m so proud of you for lifting the shame and speaking about something that so many girls struggle with, yet never talk about. I get more emails from girls concerned about binging more than anything else. I’m sure this post will help many people to open up to others and reach out for support.

    Reply
    1. pickyrunner

      Thanks girl! I’m hoping others will find the courage to open up or reach out. It really is something that is kind of embarrassing and filled with shame and guilt, making it even worse. As part of that decision to get better, this was a necessary step and it has helped in more ways than one.

      Reply
  17. chasingchels

    I am kind of speechless right now, love. Your honesty here is absolutely amazing, and I am so proud of you for this. I also understand where you are coming from…after years of restricting what you eat, you want to show the ED who’s boss and eat however much you want of what you want, no questions asked (at least that’s in my head)…to a certain extent, I think that’s great and should be done…but I think there’s a fine line that needs to be watched so that things don’t spiral into another ED if that makes sense (it does in my head but I haven’t talked to another human in a few hours so I apologize if I’m speaking jibberish)…bottom line, you are one courageously awesome lady to speak up about this and I LOVE that you were honest with your friend…reaching out is the best way to help yourself and I’m here for you if you need another friend <3

    Reply
    1. pickyrunner

      Thank you girl. I appreciate each and every person that has reached out to me recently. Everything you’ve said makes perfect sense and it’s something to be aware of for anyone in recovery. Use me as an example… it took almost two years for it to be a real problem.

      Reply
  18. Claire @ Keeping Up With Claire

    This is so admirable. Your honesty and the way you have opened up about this is amazing. As someone who used to ban sugar completely from their diet, I totally know what you mean. I’ve learned that restriction is NOT healthy, and that allowing sugar here and there won’t undo all of my hard work. I’m so glad you’re allowing yourself to break free from this.

    Reply
    1. pickyrunner

      Oh god I can’t imagine not eating sugar. I think that’s the one thing I DIDN’T cut out in my restricting days haha but you’re right- restricting isn’t healthy and I’ll be more likely to eat mindfully if I allow myself to eat what I want, within reason.

      Reply
  19. spectacuLAUR

    I went through the same cycle as you many times, especially my freshman-junior years of college. I would just sit and binge on nuts and chocolate to the point I could barely move I was so full… And I gained weight, but it’s the WAY you gain weight which makes a big deal. I mean, yeah, sure… You may look healthier, but it has a lot to do with how you feel on the inside. Bingeing makes your body feel horrible so it makes the person feel horrible; therefore, you go back to your old ways and the vicious cycle begins again.

    I understand this ALL too well and I’m really glad you are going to get some help. It’s impossible for those around us who don’t have eating disorders to understand how we feel about things. My mom is the same way and I guess I can’t blame her.

    Reply
    1. pickyrunner

      Thank you for sharing this with me. It helps to put things into perspective and you literally took the words right out of my mouth. Sure, I’m at a healthy weight but if I eat the way I do on normal days (which is probably 70% of the time) I wouldn’t be. And you’re so right about the fact that it just becomes worse once it happens because you end up feeling so bad about yourself and then you just keep digging yourself into a deeper hole. Thanks girl <3

      Reply
  20. Emily

    I know this feeling, I know it well. I think I binged for just as long as I restricted, and also compensated by a crazy exercise regimen! I’ve obviously gotten past that, so believe me when I say it WILL come to an end, and it wont be like this forever. I’m so proud of you for recognizing that you needed to talk to someone about it, both your friend and your nutritionist. It’s much harder going through it alone.

    Reply
    1. pickyrunner

      Thank you for sharing it. Knowing that other people have beat the problem is more incentive for me to get there. Knowing that there IS an end point. That’s all I need to hear. It really has been so much easier telling my friend. It didn’t seem so difficult anymore, and I’ve been much less tempted to binge and restrict since I texted her.

      Reply
  21. Life's a Bowl

    Wow girl, this post is so honest, so raw, and so truthful… So beautiful! Reiterating what all of those have said before me, it is absolutely wonderful that you have addressed the elephant in the room and are doing something about it. I remember some of the days where I felt so out of control, eating all the time, sneaking downstairs to eat while others were asleep, after years of deprivation. It’s not easy to figure out what’s “normal” to you [different for everyone] and listening to your body and giving it what it wants all the time, but it’s absolutely worth it and I have faith that you’ll find that middle ground… XO

    Reply
    1. pickyrunner

      You always know exactly what to say. The sneaking downstairs while others were asleep was what I was most guilty of. The beginning of my vacation was rough, but once I decided I didn’t want to be like this anymore, I put my foot down and since then have been really good about giving my body what it means and nothing more.

      Reply
  22. Cookie Dough Katzen

    Wow you are so inspiring! Good for you for reaching out, especially to friends! Hopefully your mom will understand in time. Maybe you could get her a book or something so she can understand what it’s like? I’m looking forward to your post tomorrow because we could all benefit from seeing a nutritionalist.

    Reply
    1. pickyrunner

      Thank you! It’s not exactly that she doesn’t understand, it has more to do with the fact that anyone who has never had an ED won’t get the thoughts that are associated with the eating problems. I wouldn’t WANT her to understand them, because that would mean she was disordered too.

      Reply
  23. Hayley @ Running on Pumpkin

    This is beautiful and I’m so proud of you for opening up like this. I have also gone through periods where I struggled with binging in the past (in a similar way as you…years of restriction and then finally when you were eating enough, it would lead to lack of control and TOO much eating). I hated whenever I would talk to my mom (who was the only person I talked to about it) and she would act like it was “normal” and all women dealt with overdoing it sometimes and then feeling guilty. It was not the same as it is for me now, since I haven’t “binged” in a long time but still sometimes will have that slight guilt from overeating. I am happy to say it is now the “normal” overdoing it, so I promise you you will get there. It will never be perfect without any bumps, which obviously you realize, but you will overcome this because of the support you are looking for and will get. Way to put this out there as I know it resonates with a ton of us.

    Reply
    1. pickyrunner

      Ever since you wrote that post about acceptance, I’ve had that in the back of my mind while writing these more serious posts. You’ve overcome it and you’re right- there’s such a difference between that binge cycle and the overeating of a normal person. And someone who has never experienced the binge will never understand. Which is fine, I’m glad they haven’t. Thank you for opening up and giving the rest of us out there hope.

      Reply
  24. runnerbydefault

    Great post. I am sure that takes a lot of courage on your part to talk about that. I believe everyone has something in their lives similar to that that they battle with. Good luck with your appointment.

    Reply
  25. HollieisFueledByLOLZ

    What a great post and I’m happy for you to bringing this to the forefront. I talk with a lot of girls (and I know it’s not the same as having the struggle) but they they tell they were saving calories and would binge at night because of it. I really think laying it all out there and not trying to hide anything is going to be subconsciously amazing for you. Thinking of you.

    Reply
    1. pickyrunner

      That’s exactly why I did it. I wanted to force myself to be held accountable. It’s not something I struggle with on a regular basis, but it bothered me enough that I had to share it. I wouldn’t consider myself someone that this happens to a lot either, just enough that it was really bothering me and I had to stop the cycle, or the risk of it continuing to happen.

      Reply
  26. LivingnLearningbyAmy

    I appreciate the time you took and the courage it took for you to share this with the blogging world. The overall lesson that can be learned, reaching out and asking for help, is definitely one everyone needs to keep in mind. Thank you again! So glad you shared.

    Reply
  27. Pingback: From an RD’s perspective | pickyrunner

  28. allisonhayes91

    So brave of you to write all this<3 I can totally relate to you. I've been going through the vicious cycle of starving and bingeing and regret and disgust and lying to family and friends on and off for the past 2 years. I completely agree with you, in all that I want is to feel normal. Some days it's good, but some days it's really really bad. I want my consistency and control back. Totally understand your issue with your mom thinking your problems aren't as big as they are or not even 'real.' Mine is the exact same way. It's very possible to look healthy on the outside but to be a mess on the inside. Just remember that you're not alone, things get better every day, and to cut yourself some slack and trust your gut! You know what to do deep down…listen to that little voice :)

    Reply
    1. pickyrunner

      Thank you for telling me all of this! You’re so right about all of it. Things have already gotten infinitely better and I’m so glad for that. I’m beginning to feel “normal” for the first time in 4 years. The voice is still in the back of my head saying restrict, restrict, restrict, but it’s getting quieter and it’s SO nice to have control of my brain and body back.

      Reply
  29. Caitlin

    BIG props to you for putting all this out there, girl! I had no idea you were struggling with bingeing and while I have not binged more than once or twice in my life, I have to admit my ED mindset still has me in fear of starting up the habit. But not because of how unhealthy it would be for me physically and mentally, but because it could result in me gaining too much weight. Yup, just goes to show you that it’s an ED fear because THAT’S the fear’s basis/reason for existing. Sometimes I hate being REALLY hungry (I’ve mentioned this before) in part because I am afraid it will lead to me over eating and bingeing. Like you said, this all goes back to the fear of losing control and the ego telling us that we will never be able to succeed in our goals. You are totally taking charge of listening to your ~ing and telling your ego who’s boss. The first step is really doing something like writing this post and putting it out there – GOOD for you. We all deal with recovery in different ways and I too want to be NORMAL after I’m recovered. I’m back to a weight that’s more acceptable now but oh man there’s a whole lot more for me to do, starting with not letting food occupy most of my thoughts. We can do it together though!

    Reply
    1. pickyrunner

      It totally is the fear of losing control. And it’s really common which is what makes it so scary. I don’t struggle with it on a regular basis at all. It just has flared up a few times in the last year or so and the rest of the time I’m either eating relatively normally or trying to “undo” what I did on those rare occurrences. It’s definitely not something I talk about often but I decided it was time to open up and share it to make me feel more accountable for it.

      Reply
  30. Karla

    I can totally relate to this. I too returned to my dietitian because I realized that I was restricting during the day and bingeing at night. I now eat much bigger meals and snacks and the urges to binge have faded! Trust your nutritionist and do exactly what she tells you. I was scared to increase my calories somuch, but it’s working! Good luck to you! Also, this website really explains a lot about why we want to binge after restricting! Let me know what you think.

    http://www.youreatopia.com/blog/2012/10/31/bingeing-is-not-bingeing.html

    http://www.youreatopia.com/blog/2011/10/4/weight-recovered-and-still-bingeing-updated.html

    http://www.youreatopia.com/blog/2012/5/22/extreme-hunger-what-is-it.html

    http://www.youreatopia.com/blog/2011/11/6/exercise-as-a-way-to-restrict-you-bet.html

    Reply
  31. Ellie

    I used to have the same problem till I realized I needed a change. I couldn’t continue/didnt have time to work my body that way. I wanted to enjoy food again and not just stuff it into myself “because I could.” I completely identify with you!

    Reply
  32. Pingback: Necessary Changes | pickyrunner

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